Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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