if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
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His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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