Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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