quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
