You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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