i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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