i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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