My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
