So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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