my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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