meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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