the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
