I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
