Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
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someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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