Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
