Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
