Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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