After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
