I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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