At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I didn't notice because vodka
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
