just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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