i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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