Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
