and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
