he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
