I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
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I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
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Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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