I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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