omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
