I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She's the barista slut.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
