3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
