you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
