My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
