A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
