i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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