if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
