he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
