Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
