Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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