I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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