Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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