I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
