I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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