I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she pinky promised me she was 18
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
