....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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