Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
