my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
