We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
