I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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