I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
