god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
