I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Randomize
