i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize