He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
