Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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