Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
