I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
