he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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