Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
