There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
