I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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