3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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