I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
